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Stereotypes are awesome! They’re fun because most of them are stupid, and they’re convenient because they allow people to form opinions about things without having to think them through first. Are any of them actually true? Who knows? Who cares? I just want something to bitch about, so here goes!

Girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. And we piss barbie dolls! Then we take them shopping, tell them all our naughty secrets, and gossip their heads off about Ken, all our fake plastic friends, and all our haters!

Men are gross lazy slobs and women are not. Everyone knows that men are dumb slovenly slobaroos, but the secret is that so are women! So the next time you throw your doody stained drawers on the floor for me to pick up, or leave your dirty plate in the sink for me to rinse, I’m going to hock a fat one on your pillow and feed your urine to you in your beer mug! And don’t think I won’t, cause I’m just as disgusting as you are, maybe even more so!

Women are intuitive. Women are not magical creatures. If we were, don’t you think the trees in your yard would sprout dollah bills, 20 carat diamonds, and chocolate? We don’t sprinkle fairy dust over all the land and we don’t see things that aren’t there unless we’re high. But we are smart, which means we know that “intuition” is another word for warning signs that women notice on a subconscious level when we’re too busy either nagging our porkulent husbands for being dirty swamp donkies or having sex with them for shopping money to notice otherwise. And hey, this is true for men, too! Of course, this is just my opinion and I have no proof that I’m right, it’s just a feeling I have. And if you think I’m wrong, please refer back to the bold heading of this paragraph.

Men are visual creatures. Oh, hey! Welcome to Dumbass Diner! Today’s special is the Dimwit Salad with homemade Hot Air dressing! It has a nifty taste, and if you believe this dumb myth, then the Dimwit Salad was practically made for you to choke on! Are men visual creatures? Sure, who isn’t! Saying that men are visual creatures is really just another way of saying that men like looking at purty women. But oh, hey, lookie! Women have eyes, too, and when they’re not glued to the mirror or Jersey Shore, we sometimes notice all the purty men around us! And yall are right purty, if I must say so myself. So if you ever catch me gawking at your bitchin ass and wiping a drool-like substance from my chin, please do not be alarmed. I do not wish to harm you or make you feel objectified, I simply want to take a few minutes out of my busy day to imagine what it would be like to have that juicy rump of yours served to me on a platter.

Women are smarter than men. Hey, how did this get in here? This isn’t a myth, it’s true, men r dumm!!!! Ha! Just kidding.Wait, no I’m not. Yes I am. No I’m not! Yes I am! No, I’m not! Yes, I am! Not I’m not! Yes I am! No! Yes! No! Yes! No, yes, no, yes, n-aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! bloowwwaaaaaakkkkkaaaaaaaahhhh

hhhhhhh!!!!!!! aaahhh—

Women are crazy as hell. —aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! lkfjgkrjfngvfnlakdfj’;alejfrlkewjrngkvjnfb;galkfj’gaekdfj’alpkjgnajnfal

eijfgvkfnb;vakljfna’;lokfdejnakngv;kojfnbv’a;lkfn’alkdefj

Huh- wha……..nhkjgufydfrciytu aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Women are super-dooper forgetful. We can never remember where we put the car keys, the last time we showered, or where we left the baby. This is because we’re morons. Until we have children, then we can blame it on them. This one is stupid. I have three children and my memory is perfect!

Women are super-dooper forgetful. We can never remember where we put the car keys, the last time we showered, or where we left the baby. This is because we’re morons. Until we have children, then we can blame it on them. This one is stupid. I have three children and my memory is perfect!

Women like muscle-bound assholes who treat us like shit, that’s why Nice Guys finish last. Ah, yes. Jockblocalypse. Miranda is familiar with the phenomenon. Well, if you believe this about women because you hear it repeated by weirdo self-proclaimed Nice Guys who scare the shit out of the women they hit on because they feel entitled to sex with hot chicks, then congratulations, you dumb little tater tot! You are what people are bitching about when they whine that common sense aint so fracking common. But checkit, yo. See, what’s happening is this. Those losers grew up believing this dumb myth just like you do, and because they also lack an important human component known as self-awareness, they don’t understand that sometimes shit that happens to them is dey own fault. Therefore, they see the woman who rejects them as defective. Throw in a dumb myth like ‘women don’t like nice guys cuz they like jerks’, and the jerk who gets rejected all the time, who also believes this stupid myth begins to believe that he’s a Nice Guy by sheer virtue of the fact that women reject him.

So let’s review, shall we? The term Nice Guy is really just a euphemism for Ass Monkey in Need of a Nice, Convenient Cover for Truths that Suck Grandpappy Toe. But hey, Douche Bigelow, no judgement here! I’m totally down with dat! I hide from my mailbox when overdue notices and repo warnings start coming in, so I totally understand the whole avoidance of reality thing. But sometimes the shit just needs to be broken down so let me break it down: Women are not masochistic psychosluts (at least not without the proper toys, equipment, and company, which ain’t yo ass) and you’re not a Nice Guy, you’re a delusional asshole, because checkit– if women like assholes so much, why are you alone? Exactly, you punkass fart hole!

Disclaimer 1: There are exceptions to the Nice Guy rule, one or two I can think of right offhand. But the exception aint the rule any more than you are a Nice Guy.

Disclaimer 2: I have no idea if this shit is even close to being accurate, I made it up as I went along. But hey, I have intuition, so that means I’m right! Right?

Women are super-dooper forgetful. We can never remember where we put the car keys, the last time we showered, or where we left the baby. This is because we’re morons. Until we have children, then we can blame it on them. This one is stupid. I have three children and my memory is perfect!

Men think about sex 1,000,000,000,000 times a day. Sad but true. The poor mutt cannot take a piss or pop a zit without being lambasted at least three hundred and forty-four times by bizaare, random sex fantasies. They fantasize about your neighbors, your friends, the sour puss who glares at you instead of checking your receipt at Wal-Mart, your mom, your grandma, and probably even your dog. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it because this is Male Sexual Nature we’re dealing with, and Male Sexual Nature is fueled with testosterone, which will put a bullet in your ass if you fuck with it.

Women don’t do a damn thing that doesn’t include charging shit that they don’t need to credit cards that they damn sure don’t need. Sorry- what were we talking about? I just remembered that it’s time to schedule some Botox shots for my liver and kidneys and a bleachjob for my butthole. Ooh, ooh! And did you know that they sell glow-in-the-dark hot pink breast implants on QVC?! And some of them even have built in iPods!!!

Women become frigid bitches after marriage. Naw, dumkopff, that ain’t it. It’s just that somewhere along the way the orgasms you gave us turned in to SNOREgasms and you’re too lame to know the diff.

The typical man is so emotionally detached from sex that he could ram it into the leftover mac n’ cheese you left on the bedside table three days ago and never know it wasn’t you. True that. And that’s why you should never bother wasting your time cooking anything that didn’t come home from the store’s frozen section. Because men, being the sex-crazed pervs that they are, will ruin it anyway by trying to hump it.

Women fall in love with and cling immediately to anyone/thing that we share sexytime with, up to and including the cucmbers and zucchini that mock your manhood from the freshness drawer in the refrigerator. Yes, I know it’s annoying that everytime you lie to a girl and convince her you fell in love with her at first sight and want to marry her and give her 20 babies just so that she’ll put out for you, she turns into a level five cling-a-tron. This isn’t because you’re a lying asshole, though, brah. It’s because women have this hormone called psychotocin that is released everytime we have sex. We also release it when we have babies, get our periods, eat, drink, shower, and crawl out of bed.

Alrighty then! Guess I’ll have to finish my bitch fest another time. It’s ten something o’clock and I’m a girl, which means I have to tuck my barbies in for the night and sing a lullabye to all my pretty gumdrops. Night night suckers!

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