Conservative blogger Dennis Prager is such a funny little asshat.

Yeah, yeah….I know, he’s a racist and sexist pig, and there’s nothing funny about either one of those, but what IS funny is that he suffers from a really severe form of ED. No….not erectile dysfunction…well, yeah, that too….but the ED to which I refer is Entitlement Dysfunction. This dysfunction affects about 3% of the population and is best described as the way in which one worships his penis, and his belief that possession of said penis entitles him to the unalienable right of sex on demand.

Perhaps you are wondering, “Who is this absurd little creature, and where might I find one for myself?” The answer to that is easy, but I must first warn you that Pragers are for entertainment purposes only. Should you find yourself becoming serious about one, you should know that he will demand sexy-time with you often until you find a way to circumvent his erectile medication or convince him that Candy the inflatable can-do orifice is just you having a really bad day (which actually shouldn’t be too difficult. Pragers are known for their ability to forget during sex that there’s another person inolved).

Anyhoo, that’s my warning, and you can either take it or suck it. Pragers cannot be found in toy stores. They can only be found online, at such misinfo-tainment sites as Townhall.com and Creators.com. And here, of course, thanks to Miranda the Delivery Girl (and I expect a tip for my efforts, by the way….).

The following delightful show of sexual frustration can be found in its entirety in the Prager archives at Townhall.com. It’s old, it’s funny as hell, and it’s been lampooned already a million times. As usual, I am late to the party but I can live with that if you can. So anyway, getting on with it. The piece is appropriately titled ‘When a Woman isn’t in the Mood’ (Parts I and II).

Here are some of the most awesome excerpts:

* “The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is “not in the mood” and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband.” Translation: I haven’t had sex in a really long time because my wife thinks I’m an asshole.

* “There are marriages with the opposite problem — a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here.” Translation: Who gives a fuck about your problems. Didn’t you hear me? I haven’t had sex in months!

* “First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wife’s refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him.” I once tried to give my body to my ex husband because I was sick of it, but I was 8 months pregnant at the time so he wasn’t interested. Does that count?

* “This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny).” Actually it sounds awesome! I’ve always wanted a penis of my very own. I’d dress it up in a pretty pink tutu, and finger-paint with it, and if I ever needed to satisfy a sweet tooth, I’d dip it in sugar for an instant lollipop! I wonder if Ken would ever let me have his body……

* “This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet.” Miranda the Psychologist says: Mr. Prager is stuck in the angry phase. Luckily for his readers, the quiet phase comes next, and it will last for as long as his wife continues to refuse his advances. And since she’s probably doing the gardner, the limo driver, and three of his closest friends, chances are his quiet time will last for at least a decade.

* “They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.” I wonder which is more emasculating, being constantly rejected by your wife because you’re an asshole, or admitting to all ten of your readers that you feel emasculated because of your wife’s constant rejection. And what is a ‘male sexual nature’? Do they sell those at Target, because I want one!

* “The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.” Captain Obvious to Clueless Dumbass. Come in, Clueless Dumbass. If you tell your wife what you’ve just told your readers, she’s probably going to, oh, you know….STOP PUTTING OUT FOR YOU.

* “Compared to most women’s sexual nature, men’s sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature.” But….but God made women to reject the advances of rabid animals. So what? That is the way she is made. Blame God and nature, you stupid prick.

* “Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.” Ah, Dennis…sometimes I don’t know whether to berate you for your sexist pigotry or give you a bottle laced with arsenic and sing you a lullabye.

* “Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex.” When he runs out of Viagra? “In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to — women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)” And those times, Poohbear, are when she says the word NO. It’s really a very simple concept if you’ll just try to get it…..

* “…..because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.” Translation: Are you reading this, Sweetikins? If you’re reading this, let’s make a deal. I promise to stop kicking the dog, punching the walls, and scaring the shit out of the kids if you’ll shut the fuck up already and take care of your womanly duties.”

* “…..to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood.” What if I’m in the mood to put your penis in my mouth and bite down on it really hard?

* “If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex.” Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!! Because wimmen hate having teh sex!! Because sex is what men do!

* “When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur…” For all other hags who have trouble becoming aroused, there’s Viagra. Oh wait….that’s for men. A woman just needs a good romance novel with a Fabio lookalike on the cover and fields of wildflowers and a horse, because there’s always a horse! to get in the mood. Carry on,carry on….

* “But for most women, for myriad reasons — female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested — there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.” I think the word you are looking for here is entitlement. Entitlement is the problem with dumb fucks like you, not any sort of real, actual desire.

* “What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.” Yes, he really did just compare sex to work. Although, from his wife’s perspective, I can see how this is a reasonable comparison.

* “Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings.” Bad feminism! How dare you demand respect for women! Go to your room right this second, young lady, and don’t come out until you are ready to repent for all the damage you’ve caused!

* “Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it.” Um, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say no to sex if I don’t want to have it, but maybe I’m just really radical! “Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is “dehumanizing” and “mechanical.” It’s also RAPE, you dumb clod.

* “If her husband is a decent man — if he is not, nothing written here applies — ” and with that tiny little qualifier…. “a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.” ….Mr. Prager neatly renders this entire ridiculous post as impotent and pointless as he himself is. Good men don’t believe this shit. And smart men don’t say it.

And the fact that the Prageman is apparently neither good nor particularly intelligent, well….I feel sorry for his wife, but at least he’s funny. Or….something.

Oh, and here’s a link so you won’t think I just make this shit up.