This is simply amazing and completely on point.
Oh my, this is going to get ugly…..
Not too terribly long ago while riffling through the used book section at a second-hand store (one of my most favorite things to do in the whole world ever), I came across a most horrifying, trauma-inducing book. After coughing up the obligatory half a dollar required to make it mine, I took it home to read, knowing perfectly well that because I am very familiar with and really, really hate the author, I’d probably at some point end up at the kitchen sink trying my damndest to cram it into oblivion down the disposal. But hey, I’m a trooper, and after having previously read some of the horrible advice Mister Fella doles out on the regular, I figured it was worth the money that it cost me to satisfy my curiosity. (It wasn’t.)
Anyway, so the book–you’ve probably heard of it, given that it’s been around since forever– is Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, by author and so-called relationship expert John Gray, and it’s one of several that follows the heretofore established reasoning of his bestselling lump of garbage, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Reasoning that, sadly, many of us are familiar with, and even more sadly, some of us believe, and it goes something like this: Human characteristics come in two sets. One set of characteristics comprises physical strength, dominance, aggression, logic, ambition, courage, responsibility, and an excessively high sex drive. The other is sympathetic, kind, nurturing, needy, intuitive, emotional, giving, cooperative, passive, docile, and submissive, durr hur dumb fucking hurrr.
And as most of you probably see coming a mile away, these characteristics are divvied up by sex. As we’ve previously discussed, this is just stupid. And yet, Gray is just one of many so-called experts who irresponsibly center their views about relationships and sex around such an unsound and defective (not to mention harmful) belief system and then proceed to speak authoritatively on the subject.
According to the cultural narrative, men need sex while women merely (sigh…and infrequently) desire sex, or, more specifically, women desire love and security, which we seek to get in return for sex. Because of this (in part), the tone in public discourse regarding sex is often placed within the context of women giving men sex. The reason I mention this is because not only does Gray make the same claim several times in the book but because it’s also an underlying theme throughout.
He completely sticks to the script regarding female sexuality, which is to say he pretends it doesn’t exist outside of its ability to please men. Women don’t want sex, women want love! Because of this belief, any conversation regarding the woman’s physical pleasure is practically non-existent. The reality that women are just as ‘visual’ as men is completely ignored. The reality that women can and do have sex purely for the physical pleasure, with little or no emotional attachment to our sexual partners, is completely ignored. But we do get to learn plenty about the ways in which to physically please our man in order to keep him from satisfying his (snicker) “biological need” for variety behind our backs. Convenient, right?
It’s a little frustrating to think about how many men have grown up in this fog of delusion regarding women and women’s sexuality. It almost makes me feel sorry for the little buggers. How sad to spend childhood believing that women are these pure, ethereal, magical creatures (who exist to serve you and only you) only to learn that in real life most of us aren’t really like that at all– we’re every bit as fucked up and depraved and sexual as men are. In other words, we’re human.
The book begins with these oh so fitting words:
He wants sex. She wants romance.
He wants sex. Him. Not her, because again, independent of a woman’s ability to please her partner with her body and to successfully barter sex for validation, romance, security, and love, her sexuality does not exist. Let me make this perfectly clear because it’s kind of an important point: In a book that claims to be about sex for couples, here is an author who frames his entire premise around the notion that sex is actually only desired by one person in the couple. This book, therefore, isn’t meant to benefit the couple; it’s meant to benefit the man in the couple.
He further clarifies his philosophy by stating that “Sex allows a man to feel his needs for love.” The idea that men use sex as a pathway of sorts to love and emotional fulfillment pops up frequently throughout the book. It is significant because the message it conveys is that when women turn men down for sex, we aren’t just denying men physical pleasure but the ability to connect to their emotions. Not only is this stupid, it’s also super manipulative. Women are increasingly expected to cater to our partner’s sexual demands (wooo! thanx porn! thanx, asshole relationship “experts”!) and this is just another way to further guilt us into shutting up and putting out.
Incidentally, Gray is also a proponent of the trope that men try to score with random hot women on the regular because they ‘need’ variety and have a biological need to ‘spread their seed’. The idea that they do this, while at the same time seeking sex to access feelings of ‘love’ is so absurdly oxymoronic that it’s almost funny.
I kept a pencil handy while reading the book, with the intention of making notes in the margins about all his whacked-out notions regarding sex. I realized pretty quickly, however, that such an undertaking would require a book of my own and way more time than I care to spend. But because this shit is harmful to women, it needs to be discussed, because even though you know it’s bullshit, and I know know it’s bullshit….some people don’t know it’s bullshit. So, on we go.
When he wants sex and she is not readily in the mood, he easily misunderstands and feels rejected. He does not instinctively realize that a woman generally needs to feel loved and romanced before she can feel her hunger for sex.
Okay look. I’m going to speak my own personal experience into this for a minute. I’ve done the casual sex thing. Sometimes I took men home with me during my bar scene years because I was drunk. Sometimes I had sex with men I didn’t care about or want anything else from because my body needed the physical release and pleasure of sex. And I can say with absolute certainty that there wasn’t one time– not a single, solitary time– that I had the casual-sexytime with these men because they filled up my love cup first. And no, sorry, I’m not an anomaly.
It’s weird how that works. It’s almost, like I said before, it’s almost like we’re all human or something.
Do women want to have sex with men who don’t objectify, dehumanize, and degrade us? Well obviously. The reason I mention this, and this is quite possibly the most important point of all, is because Gray, and so many whacked-out freak-shows like him, often construct a narrative in which the man does seem to disrespect, disregard, dehumanize and degrade his partner, and this seems to be the premise from which Gray et al. work, and then they confuse respect and basic human decency with love and romance and sparkles.
It is Gray who makes the claim that women need to feel loved first in order to become turned on to sex. But then he tells us, several times over in fact, that if a couple is experiencing problems in the relationship, it is the woman’s responsibility to put this need aside and sexy-up up for the man regardless of her desire to do so. Because men can’t (or won’t) express love when they aren’t feeling it, the onus is on women to have sex when we aren’t feeling it in order to improve or save the relationship. This directive comes up frequently in the book:
When sex gets better, suddenly the whole relationship gets better. Through great sex, the man begins to feel more love, and, as a result, the woman starts getting the love she may have been missing.
Great sex is the most powerful way to open a man’s heart and help him to feel his love and express it to a woman. Great sex softens a woman’s heart and helps her to relax and receive her partner’s support in other areas of the relationship. This softening of her feelings dramatically improves her ability to communicate in a manner that her partner can hear without becoming defensive.
When a couple is experiencing relationship problems, sometimes, instead of focusing on the problems, taking a shortcut and creating great sex immediately reduces the problems and makes them easier to solve.
What a narcissistic snotrag this guy is. Can we flush him down the toilet now?
Through sex, a man’s heart begins to open up. Through sex, a man can give and receive love the most. When a woman begins to understand this difference, it changes her whole perspective on sex. Instead of a man’s desire for sex being something crude and divorced from love, she can begin to see it as his way of eventually finding love.
Please take note of the word ‘eventually’. He’s been saying that men use sex to access their feelings of love for their partners. Up until now, he’s given us the impression (even though we know it’s bullshit) that men find the magical pot of love at the end of the sex rainbow. But now he tells us that if we give in to the man’s demands for sex, and he still treats us like garbage, then we just need to keep on having sex! Because you know….he will eventually be a loving person instead of a selfish, disrespectful fuckwad.
It is confusing to her when he wants sex and they are not even talking or he has ignored her for days. To her, it seems as if he doesn’t care if they have much of a relationship. She has no idea that when he begins to hunger for sex it is because he wants to reconnect and share love.
Goddamn you, John Gray. There is nothing confusing about not wanting to have sex with someone who treats you like dirt, you big rotten bundle of ass fungus. Goddamn you to hell for telling any woman anywhere that she should acquiesce to an emotionally abusive man who would ignore her for days and then turn around and degrade her by treating her like a sex object who’d better bend over and put out on command or else. Fucking hell!
Most men are never taught how to have sex. Once they can get turned on or can masturbate, they are somehow expected to be sexual experts. Sure, they know where to put it and how to have an orgasm in two minutes, but the art of giving a woman an orgasm is a different story altogether.
Well, gee. I guess that’s what happens when people like Gray are allowed to open their fucking mouths and speak for all men for the whole world to hear. When sex is something that women give to men and the pleasure is the man’s for the taking, I guess it makes sense that no one bothers to teach men how to please women. That would just fuck up the whole paradigm altogether, now wouldn’t it?
Men don’t instinctively know what women like, and even when they hear about it, they tend to forget.
Well fucking duh to the first part of that thought, bullshit to the second part of it. Men aren’t ALL thoughtless, forgetful morons, but I feel more pity for Gray’s wife that I’d have ever thought possible!
A man’s immediate desire to touch and be touched in his sensitive zones is a given. He does not need much help in getting excited. He needs help in releasing or letting go of his excitement. In a sense, he seeks to end his excitement, while a woman seeks to extend her excitement to feel more deeply her inner longing.
What the actual fuck does this even mean? And why in the world would a woman want to ‘feel more deeply her inner longing’ (barf) for someone who acts like a stupid asshole?
For a woman, arousal slowly builds long before it becomes a physical desire for sex. Before longing for sexual stimulation, a woman first feels warm, sensual, and attractive. She feels drawn to a man and enjoys sharing time together. It could be days before she wants to have sex.
I’m guessing that in his wife’s world that’s called ‘delaying the inevitable.’ I mean, christ on a mutherfucking cracker! this is such goofy, ridiculous drivel that I just can’t even. It takes days to turn a woman on, John? Really? Days? Or is it really, possibly, just a case of, some days I want to have sex and some days I don’t?
And why must a woman feel that she is attractive to her partner in order to feel sexual? Could it possibly have anything to do with the way we’ve had one single beauty ideal (thin, bronzed, blond, etc.) shoved in our goddamn faces everywhere forever until we begin to feel somewhat less-than for failing to live up to that airbrushed, non-existent ideal? Pshaw….nah, that can’t be it. Surely it’s biological. Because EVO-PSYCH ya’ll!
To wait days requires enormous restraint on his part.
It’s really too bad you can’t have someone neutered against their will.
Oh the poor, poor menz!
Of course, if you’re really just feeling gross and yucky and totally unsexy, don’t feel like fucking a complete assbag, and have access to a hammer, you do have other options…
For many men, other than hitting their finger with a hammer or watching a football game, sex is one of the only ways they can feel!
Hey, I’m game. Although I’m pretty sure it isn’t the finger that I’d be aiming for.
[Edit to add: And just so you don’t think I’m completely full of shit when I say that John Gray is full of shit, I present to you some actual research (and oh lookie here, here’s some more! and wooooooooo here’s some more!) to validate my assertion that he is, in fact, completely full of shit.]
Soooo….about that Evan Marc Katz fella (remember him? I first subjected you to him here). So the other day I decided to visit his blog to see what the heck he was up to. Which, as it turns out, is quite a bit because Mister Fella posts a lot. Anyhoo, in my introductory post on the little guy, I may or may not have done a sufficient job of explaining his philosophy. As luck would have it, he recently posted this helpful piece for the purpose of
whining to his meanie readers about their meanieness clarifying said philosophy for his readership. Yay for us! So let’s get started, shall we?
This is as fun a place to start as any, I suppose.
So, if the questions I take are carefully selected to maximize the value of my advice – because validation doesn’t make for interesting reading – it should be somewhat predictable that my answers are often going to challenge the premise of the woman in question.
And if you’ve been reading awhile, you know that these answers fall into largely two broad camps:
1) Dump him 2) Accept him.
First, just for the fun of it, I simply must point out the part where he says that validation doesn’t make for interesting reading. This is funny because if you hang out in the comments section of his blog for longer than about three minutes or so, you’ll notice that occasionally one of his readers will call him out on his bullshit, and what you’ll notice immediately thereafter is a petulant response by him that if you disagree with anything he says, then you’re just being difficult and what are you doing on his blog in the first place if you’re just going to be all disagree-y about stuff? Not that this is really relevant at all but it gives yours truly quite a giggle nonetheless. And I like to giggle, so thanks, guy!
As for the rest of it, he’s not really lying when he says that the purpose of his blog is to teach women that if they want a man, they need to learn to accept the man they want as he is or dump him. Which I guess sounds pretty legit. You’ll get no argument from me on that point. But the problem is that he doesn’t just tell women that the menz aren’t going to change, he also paints all men with the same brush, acts as though the performance of “masculinity” is a good, necessary, and inevitable thing when you have a penis, and regularly admonishes the same women that they must change in order attract and keep the very men that they are told on the regular to blindly accept. And therein lies the problem. As he reminds us here, in a post titled The Secret to Keeping a Man; Forget the Past and Enjoy the Present, we do not get the luxury of just being ourselves the way the menz do, oh nooooooo. Instead, we must perform for our prospective suitors:
But that leaves you with the same burning question: “what should I DO, Evan?”
Ah, the answer couldn’t be simpler:
Make your PRESENT so amazing that he WANTS to have a FUTURE with you.
For now, just have fun.
Laugh. Say yes. Be easygoing. Smile. Fool around. Enjoy the moment.
Hear that, ladies? Because it’s your job to make your life together amazing. It’s your job. Those getting-to-know-you issues that inevitably pop up along the way and need to be addressed? Suck it up, cupcake! Problems are no fun. Problems make his life less amazing, best to forget that they even exist. Also? What if you aren’t the easygoing type? What if you don’t want to just “say yes” all the time? What if you don’t want to smile like a goddamn robot 24/7? What if you’re not in the mood to laugh at his lameass jokes? EMK doesn’t encourage his readership to be themselves and let the chips fall where they may. Why the everloving hell not? I mean, yes, presumably his readers turn to him for advice because they want to find that special someone. But not at the expense of their authenticity. Not at the expense of who they are, fer fuck’s sake. Sure, the guy sitting across from you may be turned-off by your (GASP!) inquisitive disposition or that obligatory after-dinner belch that you just can’t keep to yourself, but so the fuck what? He should either accept you as you are, or move on, right? Right?
Oh, and lest you naively believe these rules only apply on the first couple of dates or so, you’ll see for yourself below that he still expects this shit of his wife.
And if he’s receiving texts that say, “Where are you?!” or late night calls that plead, “Where is this going?”, you’re not making him feel too good in the present.
OH SHIT! We can’t let that happen, now can we!
“My wife was ALWAYS in the present and that’s why she’s my wife. Because she enhances my life and doesn’t provide emotional drama when it’s unnecessary.”
DOUBLE SHIT! Not unnecessary emotional drama!
I’m guessing he gets to be the sole arbiter of what’s necessary and what isn’t.
I’m guessing he also gets to be the sole arbiter of what’s considered emotional drama and what gets to be treated as a legit fucking issue.
Why the goddamn hell is he trying to condition his readers to walk on eggshells around the men they want?
In this post (I realize that I’m doing quite a bit of post-jumping here, but bear with me as I make my point), titled Why don’t Men Like Smart, Strong, Successful Women? he has this to say:
But a huge reason I’m with my wife is because she spends her time loving and supporting me, not challenging me on everything from movie tickets, to travel plans, to wake up times. She’s easy, in the best sense of the word.
Because God forbid that a woman challenge his almighty authority. God forbid that she have any input in her own life. God forbid that she have any say in travel plans! God forbid that she gets to choose what time she gets up in the morning. God forbid that she be anything but easybreezybeautiful!
This is a real dilemma. You’re undoubtedly a great catch. You can teach us a thing or two. You are a go-getter and worthy of everyone’s respect. But if that go-getter side ends up emasculating your man, or makes him feel insignificant, or second-guessed, he’s not really getting what he wants out of a partner. Men want to feel masculine.
“Masculine” is a euphemism for dominant, authoritative, and in control, as EMK so aptly illustrates for us above. It’s generally best to avoid this type of man at all costs. Also note that you are not allowed to second-guess him (not if you want to keep him!).
This doesn’t mean you should play dumb, or be weak and needy,
Ummm, yes it does actually…..
no more than the nice guy should start acting like a jackass. It might mean, however, turning off some of the things that make you “successful” at work. This is a bitter pill to swallow, perhaps even a double standard. Still, it doesn’t change the fact that “hard-driving, opinionated, and meticulous” are not on most men’s lists of ideal feminine traits.
Gosh, sure sucks that men don’t want someone to challenge them  huh? But hey, what’re you gonna do, little lady? MEN AREN’T GOING TO CHANGE!
In EMK’s world, all men like to dominate their partners, and they want simpering, passive women in their lives who don’t challenge their authority. And instead of advising women to tell these men to go fuck themselves, EMK tells women that, unless they want to be alone forever, they need to suck it up, accept it, and literally become weak in order to attract these men. As I pointed out in my introductory post on this guy, that’s some serious patriarchial bullshit right there, and that’s why I say his stupid blog is political as all get-out.
Also? The kind of guy who wants a meek, docile, passive woman is the one who wants her to be that way so that he can steamroll right over her ass. And that’s not the guy you want. Trust your girl on this one.
Fuck “ideal feminine traits”. Fuck bitter pills. Fuck double-standards that are expected to go unchecked. And fuck you, Evan Marc Katz, for being such a loudmouth fucking douchebag.
 this is the part where I point out the obvious, which is that not all men are actually like this, because men don’t operate with a hive mind, and vary just as much in their characters, dispositions, likes, and dislikes as women do. OH THE HORROR
So there’s this guy. He schmoozes around on the internet like snot schmoozes through the fingers of a three year old whose hands do double duty as Kleenex, billing himself as a dating expert for successful women who are lonely and convinces them to give him money in exchange for really bad dating advice. Oh, and he also writes a dating blog. Mister fella’s name is Evan Marc Katz (or EMK, as he is commonly called) and he is a douche, and I know this because I read his blog on the regular. Thanks to his completely shitty and depressing advice and the gaggle of MRA  goobers who insist on frequenting the comments section, the general mood of the blog is super duper gross and obnoxious and decidedly anti-female. He doesn’t like it when people call him on his bullshit so good luck trying to do that on his turf, which is why I’ve chosen to do it on my turf. So put on your tallest shit-stomping boots before we walk through this mess, because trust me, you’re gonna need em.
In this, the first in a series  of posts about EMK, we’re going to examine his general (unspoken, of course, because he can’t just come right out and say he hates women and believes them to be inferior) philosophy, which is that women today are failing in relationships because economic independence and changing social mores allow us, to a certain extent, to go about our lives acting like regular humans instead of accepting our natural role as submissive little dimwits whose primary purpose in life is to serve men, fuck them on demand, raise their children, and basically wipe their asses for them. Thanks to the efforts of women’s rights movements over the last several decades, we’re relatively independent and (apparently) the poor men just don’t like it when we get to do our lives on our terms, and this is why so many of us can’t seem to find ourselves a man. He tells us that this problem is ours to fix (as opposed to telling men to grow the fuck up and get over it), and that the way to fix it is to embrace our “feminine” energy (‘femininity’ being that which is comprised of certain specific human characteristics and behaviors which anyone could posses but that men have self-servingly decided are female-specific anyway). Wherever you hear talk of masculine or feminine anything, you should run like hell because, as we’ve previously discussed, this sort of nonsense never, ever bodes well for women. Things don’t happen in vacuums, kiddos. The manchine known as the patriarchy is alive and well and EMK is a greasy mutherfuckin’ cog in it.
For starters, let’s visit the part of his blog where he tries to fear monger the shit out of us into buying one of his books. Here’s some of what the overstuffed little blowhard has to say about how we’re doin’ it wrong:
First of all, it’s not your fault that you don’t understand men. There are no high school or college classes on this subject, no dating Masters degrees that you can put on your wall.
First of all this is idiotic because no woman is ever going to understand men, because men are not all the same. Just as all women aren’t the same. Because in reality, all this talk of gendered behavior is bullshit. But that doesn’t matter in EMK’s world, where hot air goes to flourish and brain cells go to die. And so here we are.
As an intelligent woman, you’ve probably even noticed patterns in your behavior. Your attraction to cute, charismatic alpha males. Your aversion to nice guys who bore you. Your desire to find a man who is taller, smarter, more generous, and more successful than you. Your refusal to settle with the wrong guy, no matter what.
Did I mention the over-abundance of hot air? It’s not necessarily that women desire taller men (and it’s certainly not an innate preference in any case), it’s that many men refuse to date women who are taller than themselves because it makes them feel “emasculated” (and I won’t even get into what a stupid fucking concept that is). Likewise, many men don’t like it when their female partners are smarter and/or more successful than they are, because men have been conditioned to believe that the male half of the species is the superior one and a lot of men don’t like having women around whose superior intellect and/or economic standing serve as constant reminders that maybe this isn’t necessarily the case. But sure, EMK. Let’s pin this one on women as some sort of character defect we posses in order to justify yelling at us for having the nerve to refuse to settle for the wrong guy. That doesn’t sound completely moronic at all!
As a mildly amusing aside, the poor little guy must’ve been really unpopular with the ladies at some point in his life because he sounds kind of bitter about women’s freedom to refuse to settle for boring old dry toast when there are so many bright and tasty pop-tarts to pick from.
His entire blog revolves around the idea that men loathe strong, opinionated women, and that, because of this, no matter how badass we might otherwise be, when it comes to men and relationships, we’d better be sweet and submissive and sit around blowing bubbles or some shit while waiting for them to take complete control:
Men win you over by giving to you. We ask you out. We call you. We pay for dates. We initiate sex. We ask for commitment. We propose marriage. We give. You receive. Reverse this order by asking him out, initiating sex, asking for commitment, or proposing marriage, and a masculine guy will feel, well, emasculated. Thus, if you want a masculine guy, your greatest move is to embrace your passive feminine side.
What EMK is advocating is male control and leadership in dating and relationships. His entire ideology, right down to the language he uses, echoes the male-headship rhetoric that has become so popular in the conservative christian community (both online and off) as a way to fight back against the dreaded progressivism (ewww, equality!!!!yuck!!!) that’s gained a lot of ground in the last dew decades.
Think about that for a minute. In advocating for the right of men to control the terms of the relationship, he is literally advocating for the right of men to exercise control over their partners. He is literally trying to scare the shit out of lonely women by telling them that if they don’t bow the fuck down to men and do relationships strictly on the man’s terms then they will spend the rest of their lives alone.
This is not okay.
 what the hell is an MRA? Well I’m glad you asked.
 given my ridiculously short attention span as it pertains to this blog, you may or may not actually ever hear anything about him from me again.
blog post edited on 4/18/15
One played-out trope that really frosts my cupcake is that women care more about relationships than men do. We care more about maintaining them, making sure we’re happy in them, and making sure our partner is happy in them. Meanwhile men, the reasoning goes, have other, more important things to worry about. This, of course, follows another played-out trope, which is that women are just naturally more caring than men are.
In keeping with this philosophy, there is a whole shitload of resources available to women who need dating or relationship advice. This seems pretty harmless, and maybe it is. But because I’m not a complete moron, I believe, as I may have already said a time or two, that the things we learn about the world and the people around us actually affect our beliefs, actions, and choices. And all this relationship advice aimed at women, along with the absence of its equivalent directed towards men, couldpossiblyinsomecases result in some pretty darn male-centric relationships. Thus the presupposition that women are the caretakers in relationships can and does become a self-fullfilling prophecy.
With this belief in mind, I’m going to examine some of the trends that I’ve noticed in the world of dating advice. Now, I have quite a bit to say about these things because I find them pretty damn disturbing, so I plan to make this a prominent focus of this blog.
To give you an idea of what you have to look forward to, here’s a quick breakdown of some of those trends:
— Women need to start being women again, and letting their men be men.
— You are the keeper of your dude’s boner and it is your responsibility to keep King Ding-a-Ling stiff and solid at all times. Because men are visual creatures!
— Men are visual creatures!
— It doesn’t matter if you’ve been with him for one month or twenty years. The second you let on that you are human, his resulting disgust will drive him straight into the arms of someone who doesn’t do such things as eat, pee, or breathe in front of him.
— Men need to feel needed! It’s okay if you’re a career-obsessed, independent woman, just keep that shit at the office, girlfriend, or no man will want you!
— It is a cardinal sin for women to discuss your relationship problems with friends.
— Sex is as vital to life as food. For men, anyway. For women, well….who cares about what women want, the goal is to keep the men alive by fucking them whenever, however, and wherever they want to be fucked. So shut up and get to fucking, Ladies!
— Feminism means the death of our civilization as we know it.
— Men are going to wank off to porn because they have to wank off to porn, because evolution, and since there’s not a damn thing any of us can do about it, it would be best for all parties involved if women would just stop being controlling prudish bitches about it and get the fuck over it already.
— All problems in society can be cured if the women will just stop being mean to all the men in the world and let them be dads to our illegitimate little bastards.
As I said before, these may sound harmless. But there be a large chunk of peeps out there (Presidential hopeful Rick Santorun being just one of them) who believe that marriage is the cornerstone of civilization, and that in order for marriage to survive, men need to step up and take control of their lives and their wimmin. Lots of us think that’s just really stupid and aren’t down with the idea of marriage to controlling assholes. Therefore, society is going to have to be returned to the days of yore when women were quite literally forced to be financially and emotionally dependent on men. The financial aspect is being handled via legislation as we speak. What the hell do you think this war on abortion and contraception and welfare are about? Durr….do away with these things, and what the hell is the end result? Think about it, yo. And I contend that the emotional aspect is currently being handled via indoctrination of some really dumbass ideas about men and women. Sound crazy? Well, it is crazy. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening…..
A long time ago it was revealed to us that woman originated from the planet Venus. Obviously, this means (among other things) that our language isn’t native to the planet on which we currently reside. Accordingly and appropriately, we have this. You’ve probably seen it in various forms since you were a wee little tater tot, and here’s the gist: “Women are irrational kookballs who never know what they want, and even if they did, they’d never come right out and say it, they’d say something completely different, becuz they’re women!”
And because most men aren’t actually mind readers like we all expect them to be (gah, those dumb ol difficult fuckerz) this drives them batshit crazy, thus was born the womanspeak translator meme. Apparently it’s normal, healthy, and good to believe that when your partner says “I’m hungry, let’s go get something to eat” what they actually mean is “I hate you, you lying scumbag jerkoff! you think I’m fat don’t you! I love you soo much, God I hate you! please just go DIE IN A FIRE!”
Yes, yes….I know, it’s cute and silly and completely harmless if we make jokes about how fruitcakey and emotional and irrational women are. But all this collective garbage about the biological inability of the female to express a genuine, sincere thought has the nefarious effect of silencing women. Because if we never mean what we say, then why should we ever be taken seriously? That’s not a hypothetical question, by the way, and this isn’t just some abstract thought experiment– very real women are affected in very real ways by myths such as this one. If you need proof, just ask any woman that’s ever been to a bar on any given night of the week about all the times she’s been pestered to death by shit-faced assholes who think the word “No” means something other than “Thanks, but I’m not interested, so please get out of my face.” Or how many times she’s been brushed off as just another crazy old harpy after having expressed justifiable anger or outrage. Or how many times, in her professional life, her input and ideas have been dismissed by both her peers and her superiors in favor of those presumed to be more ‘rational’ (i.e., people who have dicks).
I mean, c’mon…..you don’t really think those things just sort of ‘happen’, do you? Cultural myths such this one– fun though they may be– have a most irritating way of inflitrating our collective subconscious and affecting our perceptions about the people and the world around us. Not that that’s a revolutionary concept or anything — it’s common fucking sense.
It is in this spirit that I present to you a few excerpts from my version of the chicktionary. Please try to learn something from it.
What she says: “No.”
What she means: “No.”
What she says: “I love you.”
What she means: “I love you.”
What she says: “I don’t want to talk about it right now so please leave me alone.”
What she means: “I don’t want to talk about it right now so please leave me alone.”
What she says: “No, I don’t want you to buy me a drink. What I want is for you to fuck off.”
What she means: “No, I don’t want you to buy me a drink. What I want is for you to fuck off.”
What she says: “Do you see this relationship going anywhere?”
What she means: “Do you see this relationship going anywhere?”
What she says: “Dry-humping my leg is not going to make my headache go away any faster but it will make me kick the shit out of you.”
What she means: “Dry-humping my leg is not going to make my headache go away any faster but it will make me kick the shit out of you.”
What she says: “You can pick the movie. I don’t care.”
What she means: “You can pick the movie. I don’t care.”
What she says: “Are you tired?”
What she means: “Are you tired?
What she says: “I promise I’m not mad at you for totally fucking up the garbage disposal even worse than it was before you started trying to fix it.”
What she means: “I promise I’m not mad at you for totally fucking up the garbage disposal even worse than it was before you started trying to fix it.”
What she says: “Go out with your stupid friends, I don’t care.”
What she means: “Go out with your stupid friends, I don’t care.”
What she says: “Do these pants make my ass look fat?”
What she means: “Do these pants make my ass look fat?”
What she says: “You smell like shit! Did you forget that we have a shower?”
What she means: “You smell like shit! Did you forget that we have a shower?”
What she says: “No I am not interested in dancing with you chatting with you standing still while you feel me up having a drink with you letting you buy me a drink going out on a date with you fucking your brains out letting you fuck my brains out talking to you smiling for you explaining myself to you being nice to you acknowledging that you exist. I really do just want you to get out of my face.”
What she means: “No I am not interested in dancing with you chatting with you standing still while you feel me up having a drink with you letting you buy me a drink going out on a date with you fucking your brains out letting you fuck my brains out talking to you smiling for you explaining myself to you being nice to you acknowledging that you exist. I really do just want you to get out of my face.”
See? That’s not so hard now, is it? Now stop being an ignorant douche, and for the love of GOD! please learn how to stop and ask for directions onceinawhile!
I agree that it’s stupid, but I dunno that I’d call it “women’s logic”……
“Women asking men on first dates can be taken as aggressive, desperate, and masculine. At the very least, it can signify a loss of power. So I wouldn’t recommend that you ever utter the words, “Would you like to go out with me?” to any men.
“….if you are looking for a man, letting him make the first move instead of being a control freak and making the move for him, might be the first way you can tell if he is going to be man enough for you in the first place.”
“I don’t care how much you like a guy- do not chase him down for conversation, a date, or anything. It’s in a man’s DNA to pursue a woman. I’m not saying you should play games or never call him. But you should let him 1) express interest first and 2) contact you first. Let him take the lead, let him initiate the contact, and him be the man.”
Dating experts are morons. I suppose one could make the case that the people who heed their advice are also morons, but I digress. One doesn’t have to go out in search of this lame ass kind of advice, it’s just kind of there. Women are told from a very young age about the things that are expected of them (snagging a man, popping out his babies, and raising his babies, in that order) and all the ways in which to go about obtaining and achieving these things. Not chasing after men is just one of them. So what say we all stop shaming women for believing all the dumb shit we’re told. Sound like a plan? Yeah, I thought so.
And girlz, don’t believe the hype. There’s not need to sit passively by and hope that someone else makes stuff happen for you. If you’re interested in a guy, don’t just sit around aiming your breasts in his direction and staring holes through his body cavity in the hopes that he’ll notice you and mistake you for something other than a complete lunatic. Ask him out already! Then ask out every other guy who happens into your peripheral space, then do the same thing tomorrow, and the next day, and then the day after that, and the day after that. With any luck, you’ll be rejected by about two-thirds of them, develop a thick skin, and learn that it ain’t the end of the world if people think you’re a weirdo unattractive freak that they wouldn’t get caught dead with! Seriously. Rejection builds character. It’ll also give the guys a well-deserved break, doncha think? Yeah, I thought so.