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A long time ago it was revealed to us that woman originated from the planet Venus. Obviously, this means (among other things) that our language isn’t native to the planet on which we currently reside. Accordingly and appropriately, we have this. You’ve probably seen it in various forms since you were a wee little tater tot, and here’s the gist: “Women are irrational kookballs who never know what they want, and even if they did, they’d never come right out and say it, they’d say something completely different, becuz they’re women!”

And because most men aren’t actually mind readers like we all expect them to be (gah, those dumb ol difficult fuckerz) this drives them batshit crazy, thus was born the womanspeak translator meme. Apparently it’s normal, healthy, and good to believe that when your partner says “I’m hungry, let’s go get something to eat” what they actually mean is “I hate you, you lying scumbag jerkoff! you think I’m fat don’t you! I love you soo much, God I hate you! please just go DIE IN A FIRE!”

Yes, yes….I know, it’s cute and silly and completely harmless if we make jokes about how fruitcakey and emotional and irrational women are. But all this collective garbage about the biological inability of the female to express a genuine, sincere thought has the nefarious effect of silencing women. Because if we never mean what we say, then why should we ever be taken seriously? That’s not a hypothetical question, by the way, and this isn’t just some abstract thought experiment– very real women are affected in very real ways by myths such as this one. If you need proof, just ask any woman that’s ever been to a bar on any given night of the week about all the times she’s been pestered to death by shit-faced assholes who think the word “No” means something other than “Thanks, but I’m not interested, so please get out of my face.” Or how many times she’s been brushed off as just another crazy old harpy after having expressed justifiable anger or outrage. Or how many times, in her professional life, her input and ideas have been dismissed by both her peers and her superiors in favor of those presumed to be more ‘rational’ (i.e., people who have dicks).

I mean, c’mon…..you don’t really think those things just sort of ‘happen’, do you? Cultural myths such this one– fun though they may be– have a most irritating way of inflitrating our collective subconscious and affecting our perceptions about the people and the world around us. Not that that’s a revolutionary concept or anything — it’s common fucking sense.

It is in this spirit that I present to you a few excerpts from my version of the chicktionary. Please try to learn something from it.

What she says: “No.”

What she means: “No.”

What she says: “I love you.”

What she means: “I love you.”

What she says: “I don’t want to talk about it right now so please leave me alone.”

What she means: “I don’t want to talk about it right now so please leave me alone.”

What she says: “No, I don’t want you to buy me a drink. What I want is for you to fuck off.”

What she means: “No, I don’t want you to buy me a drink. What I want is for you to fuck off.”

What she says: “Do you see this relationship going anywhere?”

What she means: “Do you see this relationship going anywhere?”

What she says: “Dry-humping my leg is not going to make my headache go away any faster but it will make me kick the shit out of you.”

What she means: “Dry-humping my leg is not going to make my headache go away any faster but it will make me kick the shit out of you.”

What she says: “You can pick the movie. I don’t care.”

What she means: “You can pick the movie. I don’t care.”

What she says: “Are you tired?”

What she means: “Are you tired?

What she says: “I promise I’m not mad at you for totally fucking up the garbage disposal even worse than it was before you started trying to fix it.”

What she means: “I promise I’m not mad at you for totally fucking up the garbage disposal even worse than it was before you started trying to fix it.”

What she says: “Go out with your stupid friends, I don’t care.”

What she means: “Go out with your stupid friends, I don’t care.”

What she says: “Do these pants make my ass look fat?”

What she means: “Do these pants make my ass look fat?”

What she says: “You smell like shit! Did you forget that we have a shower?”

What she means: “You smell like shit! Did you forget that we have a shower?”

What she says: “No I am not interested in dancing with you chatting with you standing still while you feel me up having a drink with you letting you buy me a drink going out on a date with you fucking your brains out letting you fuck my brains out talking to you smiling for you explaining myself to you being nice to you acknowledging that you exist. I really do just want you to get out of my face.”

What she means: “No I am not interested in dancing with you chatting with you standing still while you feel me up having a drink with you letting you buy me a drink going out on a date with you fucking your brains out letting you fuck my brains out talking to you smiling for you explaining myself to you being nice to you acknowledging that you exist. I really do just want you to get out of my face.”

See? That’s not so hard now, is it? Now stop being an ignorant douche, and for the love of GOD! please learn how to stop and ask for directions onceinawhile!

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